Manic

It’s been nine months. Some days I do okay and other days, like the last several I miss you. I don’t know why. I guess it’s a habit. i thought about you for twenty years and for twenty years I believed that someday we would be together again. I don’t know if I understand why you did things the way you did but I think I am trying to understand why you did it. 

You hurt me bad. I haven’t worked in nine months. Kaleb moved out. For a long time I wouldn’t leave the house and if I did I was never alone. You broke my heart. I couldn’t believe how bad it hurt and then one day I was talking to someone about something their therapist said and I realized, you didn’t break my heart. You broke my seventeen year old heart. That’s who fell in love with you. Not the woman that I am now but the girl I was then. You don’t even know the woman that I am and honestly not only do I think you don’t deserve the woman but I am pretty sure you couldn’t handle the woman anyway.

I am honest and loyal. I am fierce when it comes to protecting the ones I love. I will stand behind you 100% if I believe you are a good person and if you need help I will help. You fuck with my kids and I will kill you and if you take my credit card and my phone I will grab you by the balls. Sorry that’s kind of an inside joke. I am emotional and moody and wild and the three nights we enjoyed were three nights with that girl. You couldn’t keep up with the woman.

I know sometimes I get weak and I send you a text or an email. It’s hard. When I miss you, knowing your so close and yet knowing it wasen’t meant for us. Knowing that the excuses you made were such bullshit. You are a coward. Knowing that what you did was one of the most horrible experiences of my life but also knowing that you kept me from making one of the biggest mistakes of my life. Wondering why I meant so little that you would do it the way you did.

I hope you are doing good. I hope you are happy with your decisions and that life is treating you well. Some days I don’t want to wish you well but that’s the girl again and the woman is better then that.  I am sorry that things happened the way they did. I truely would have loved to have been your friend. I guess that wasen’t in the cards either. Maybe someday, when we are both through this. Another twenty years?

So….. let’s don’t say goodbye, I hate the way it sounds. So if you don’t mind let’s just say for now, see you when I see you.

Jennie

Bill has been sick and home from work for a week now. He is finally feeling better and should be back to work on Friday. I saw Kaleb for about fifteen minutes on Tuesday. He looked so good. He had just come from work. I saw him at around ten and he had been at work since 5am. He loves working and should be picking up a second job in about two weeks. In September he is going to ride in the junior rodeo, bullriding. Not super excited about the bulls but its what he has always wanted to do. 

I was hoping to take Kelly on a cruise in October but it doesn’t look like the money situation is going to allow for that so now I am looking for some other awesome idea to celebrate his 18th birthday.

So we live at the end of a cul de sac in townhouses. It is always stressful when we get new neighbors because you never know who is going to bitch about the fifteen kids that I have running in and out of here. So we ended up getting three new neighbors in a period of a week. Well Saturday night one of the other neighbors and I decided to have a bbq. We ended up inviting all the neighbors and had a party in the front yard until about 2am. The party continued inside until about 5am but I came in at 2am. It was so much fun to socialize for once and all the neighbors seem really nice. I really hope everyone continues to get along. Hopefully we will have a summer filled with bbq’s and other fun things.

I have been having some great days. I get up every morning and get dressed. Straighten the house, water the plants and open the curtains. The house looks awesome. The backyard is really coming together. Kelly is driving me crazy because he will be 18 in less then six months and he won’t get a job. Kaleb has not called in a couple of weeks but I am still doing good. 

However, today I have been battling my mind because it keeps wanting to allow that other person admittance. I know that today is the one year anniversary of a very difficult event so I keep wondering how he is dealing with it. I am sure it includes alcohol. I have not wanted to write him in a long time but today I have had to tell myself no over and over again. 

Bill is sick and probably won’t work tomorrow. Hopefully he has some sick pay left. 

Having some good days lately. I started new meds like two days ago but I have been feeling really good for about a week now. My house looks awesome. Probably the best it has looked since we moved in almost four years ago. My parents even came by for a few minutes today. Also, I have been working on the backyard and we built a fire ring a couple of days ago and I bought a table with chairs at a yard sale. We hung white lights today and built a couple of benches around the fire.

Kaleb is still at “his dads”. I say it like that because I think he is actually living at his step mothers house (his dad and step mom are married but they don’t live together, long story). I really don’t like the idea of that at all but he seems happier and more motivated then ever so I don’t know how to handle the situation. His homework is staying done, he has a job and they keep buying him everything he could ever want so he will never leave. 

Just glad that I am feeling like I am in a better place.